FIFTY GRAND

(Apologies to Ernest Hemingway)

 

I decided to check out the Sunday morning talk shows, most of them long-running institutions in the news business. I turned on my TV and caught “State of the Union” in progress. Dana Bash was hosting, posing questions to Attorney General Pam Bondi.

“Attorney General Bondi, in your hearing with the Judiciary Committee, you failed to answer a question about future prosecutions of abusers named in the Epstein files—”

“Don’t tell me how to answer questions! You with your lousy ratings and your network going bankrupt.”

“But, General Bondi, I’m simply—”

“This is ridiculous. I mean…the Dow is at 50,000 and the S&P 500 is at 7,000. That’s what we should be talking about.”

“Yes, General Bondi, but…”

I switched channels and landed on “Face the Nation,” where Margaret Brennan was interviewing Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

“Mr. Secretary, the administration has staged a massive military buildup surrounding Iran. What is the president’s plan, and what are his goals?”

“Well, Margaret, it’s clear that Iran needs to agree to a deal that eliminates for all time their ambition to achieve a nuclear capability.”

“Are we talking regime change, Mr. Secretary?”

“I’m not going to disclose the president’s strategic thinking, Margaret. Just remember, the Dow is at 50,000 and the S&P 500 is at 7,000.”

“But what does that have to do with Iran—"

I changed the channel again, picking up “This Week with George Stephanopoulos.” George had a question for Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick.

“Secretary Lutnick, why did you go to Epstein Island for lunch, well after Jeffery Epstein was convicted of sexual misconduct?”

“George, I went there with my wife, my four children, and our nannies. There were other family members there, too. We left after an hour, and I took everyone with me—including the nannies.”

“Yes, sir, but in past statements—”

“George, what you have to remember is that the Dow is at 50,000. Fifty thousand, George! And the S&P 500 is at 7,000. Let’s talk about that.”

I changed the channel one more time and landed in the middle of “Fox News Sunday,” just as Shannon Bream introduced a film clip of President Trump commenting on the Supreme Court decision regarding his tariff authority.

“It’s a terrible decision. Disgraceful. I’m very disappointed in several justices. They’ve embarrassed their families. We are the hottest nation on the planet. Trillions of dollars pouring in. Nobody’s seen anything like it. They say, ‘Sir, I could kiss you.’ I say, ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’ And the Dow is at 50,000. And the S&P 500…I call it the S&P…it’s the S&P…is over 7,000...”

I turned off the TV and called my friend Billie.

“Hey, Billie, let’s go to Postino and celebrate.”

“Celebrate what?” Billie was puzzled.

“Are you kidding me? The Dow is at 50,000 and the S&P 500 is at 7,000.”

“Chuck,” she said, very calmly, “you know that the wealthiest 10% in the country own 87% of all stocks. The Dow and the S&P are not the economy, my friend.”

“Ah, come on, Billie. Don’t be a buzz kill. It’s happy hour until 5:00 pm. Bring Mike and let’s celebrate.”

“Oh, all right. We’ll see you there in an hour. And don’t go getting a head start.”

I ended the call and went to shower and shave. I mean, it’s not every day you wake up to find you live in the hottest country in the world, and the Dow… well, you know the rest.  

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