The Woodshed

 

Susie Wiles, President Trump’s Chief of Staff, walks down the hall and stops at the door to Deputy Chief Stephen Miller’s office. The door is open. She taps on the doorframe and steps inside. Miller is standing by the wall, attempting to hang a framed document.

 “Good morning, Stephen.”

“Oh, good morning, Susie.”

“What are you doing there?”

“I had my statement to Jake Tapper framed, and I’m hanging it on the wall.” [He proceeds to read it aloud.]

We live in a world in which you can talk all you want about international niceties and everything else. But we live in a world, in the real world… that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power. These are the iron laws of the world that have existed since the beginning of time.

-Stephen Miller

“Pretty cool, eh?” Miller grins.

“Sit down, Stephen. We need to talk.”

“Ah…okay. What’s up, Susie?”

“The president isn’t happy with your statement.”

“What? You’ve got to be kidding! I’ve heard him say words to that effect many times. Not as coherent, of course…”

“That’s the point, Stephen. That is a statement for the president to make. Not the Deputy Chief of Staff. If he wanted that said, he’d have said it himself.”

“Ah, geez, Susie! What is this? Am I being taken to the woodshed?”

“You’re catching on, Stephen. The message is ‘stay in your lane.’ Worry about domestic policy. Leave geopolitics to those who know what they are doing.”

“But…but…I had to say something. I mean, Marco had his fifteen minutes over the Venezuela thing, and after the Minneapolis shooting, Kristi was all over the tube, in her little outfits, wearing a frickin’ Stetson hat, talking tough. And then J.D. goes to the press room and gets all puffed up and nasty with the reporters. They think they are the tough guys. They are not. I am the designated tough guy!”

“I repeat, Stephen: stay in your lane. Okay?”

“Let me talk to him. I’ll convince him I’m right.”

“You are talking to him. That’s my job. This comes from the top. Stay off the networks for a while. No more Tapper. No Hannity. He doesn’t want to see your face on the TV screen. Just keep your head down and cast a short shadow.”

“I hear we may be flying up to Greenland. I’ll talk to him on Air Force One.”

“Don’t count on going to Greenland, Stephen.”

“What? Why not?”

“It will be very cold, there will be a lot of photographers, and he doesn’t think you’ll look good in a hat. Here, try this on.” [She tosses a knit beanie across the desk. Miller puts it on. Wiles takes a photo with her phone.] I’ll share this with the president, and we’ll let you know. [She looks at the photo and laughs.] If I were you, I wouldn’t bother to pack.”

“Oh, man! I can’t believe this.”

 “And please take your framed statement off the wall. I suggest you take it home, hang it in your bathroom, where you can see it every time you sit down.”

[Wiles stands and leaves the office. Miller sits at his desk, mumbling to himself.]

Stay in my lane…Stay in my lane, eh? Those sonsabitches up in Minneapolis better watch out.

_____