THE SNAKE

 

Imagine if you will, late October 2027. The campaign for president has shifted into high gear, with candidates from the major parties and several minor ones fighting for position. And yet, President Donald J. Trump has not endorsed someone to succeed him. The two leading contenders are Vice President J.D. Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio, both lobbying furiously for the coveted endorsement.

Now the president has come up with a scheme to decide the issue. Each candidate will audition in the Oval Office by reciting the president’s favorite poem: “The Snake.” Trump’s reading of the poem was a favorite feature of his campaign rallies, and his base loved it, roaring approval on every occasion. And so, his endorsement, and perhaps the fate of the free world, hinges on the competitive recitation of a hitherto obscure poem.

In the ornate office of the Secretary of State, Marco Rubio meets with his chief aide, Jasper “Jaz” Dinwiddie…

“Jaz, you’ve got to be kidding me! We’re going to have a competition over who can best recite 'The Snake'?"

“I kid you not, sir. Now, let's get to it. We don’t have much time to prepare. Let’s take it from the top.”

“Ah, geez…” Rubio mumbles. “Okay, here goes…

On her way to work one morning / Down the path ‘longside the lake

A tender-hearted woman saw a poor half-frozen snake…

“Wait, wait…hold it, Mr. Secretary.”

“What? What is it, Jaz?”

“That just won’t do, sir. You sound like—no offense—Little Marco. You need to read it like Trump reads it.”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this, Jaz.” Rubio shakes his head.

“Pick it up with the fourth line…with more conviction, a lot more umph, okay?”

Rubio takes a deep breath…

His pretty colored skin had been all frosted with the dew

Oh well, she cried, I’ll take you in and I’ll take care of you…

“Better, sir, much better!” Jaz cries.

 

We switch now to the residence of Vice President J.D. Vance, where his wife Usha is mentoring his practice session. The vice president recites…

Take me in, tender woman / Take me in, for heaven’s sake

Take me in, tender woman, sighed the snake…

“Okay, J.D., hold it right there. Do you want his endorsement or not? You’re reading it like you are the tender-hearted woman. You have to read it like the snake!”

“Ohmygod, Usha! This is humiliating. It insults my intelligence. I’m a graduate of Ohio State University and Yale Law. Peter Thiel is on my speed dial—”

“None of that matters, J.D. Now, start with the third stanza, and try to sound like the damn snake!”

Vance wipes perspiration from his brow and begins…

She clutched him to her bosom, You’re so beautiful, she cried

But if I hadn’t brought you in, by now you might have died…

The vice president’s wife sighs loudly. “This is starting to feel like Mission: Impossible, J.D.”

 

Finally, the day of the audition arrives. Rubio and Vance sit in the small foyer just outside the Oval Office, waiting to be called in. They glance at one another, but neither speaks. And then a well-rehearsed, booming voice is heard from within…

Oh shut up, silly woman, said the reptile with a grin

YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!

The sound of applause is heard, followed by murmured congratulations. Vance and Rubio look at each other in shock and disbelief. The door to the Oval opens and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth steps out of the office. He looks at Vance and Rubio and grins.

“Let’s see you top that…losers!” Hegseth struts away, leaving his fellow cabinet members dumbstruck.

Stephen Miller appears in the office doorway, holding a gold Trump meme coin. “Okay, Marco, J.D., let’s flip a coin to see who goes next. J.D., call it in the air.”

The gold coin ascends toward the ceiling, turning over and over, glinting in the light.

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