HORMONES
The jet-black limo
pulls up in front of Number One Naval Observatory Circle. Vice President J.D. Vance hurries
down the front steps of his residence toward the well-equipped sedan where his driver, Ivan Picop-Andropov,
holds the door open for him.
“Good morning, Mr.
Vice President. How are you today?”
“Just fine, Ivan.
Get me to the White House as quickly as traffic will allow. Important cabinet meeting
this morning.”
Ivan has been
Vance’s driver since Inauguration Day 2025, and the two men have formed a
friendship—to the extent possible, given their positions.
“So, what’s on the
agenda today, sir?” Ivan pulls away from the curb and begins the short journey.
“You know how it
goes, Ivan. The agenda might not hold. It depends on the president’s mood. But,
item one is to discuss Secretary Hegseth’s proposal for testosterone testing
and Low-T therapy for members of the armed forces.”
“And your
thoughts, sir?”
“If Pete wants to
keep the troops juiced, fueling the ‘warrior ethos,’ I suppose there’s no harm.”
Ivan smiles. “I hear
he’s going to hire Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas and Doug Flutie to film
promotional videos for the rollout.”
“Yes, I’ve heard
that rumor, too. The whole thing does set an interesting precedent.”
“How so, Mr. Vice
President?”
“Well…now that he’s
opened the topic of hormone therapy, let the genie out of the bottle, so to speak, I have a suggestion of my own to make.”
“And what is that,
sir?”
“Given ICE’s
recent actions, I’m going to recommend estrogen therapy for all ICE officers.
Maybe oxytocin, too. You know, help them to explore their feminine side, the ‘better
angels’ of their nature. We just can’t have more people shot on our streets, at
least until after the midterm elections.”
Vance’s brow is
furrowed in his classic expression of concern.
“Estrogen
for ICE?" Ivan is shocked. "Sounds like a non-starter, sir.”
“We’ve got to do
something, Ivan. Traffic stops are becoming shooting
galleries. The optics are terrible!”
“But won’t the
wives and girlfriends of ICE officers object? You know what Frank Thomas always
says, ‘She’ll like it, too.’”
“Well, that’s one
way to look at it. Another is that the wives and girlfriends might enjoy a
break in the action. And it’s only about a hundred days until the midterms.”
“It’s certainly a
bold and innovative solution, Mr. Vance.” Ivan glances at the vice president. “Uh…if
you happen to be sitting across from Secretary Markwayne Mullin in the cabinet meeting, be prepared to
duck under the table. I’d hate to see you get clocked with a water glass.”
The two men share a muffled laugh as Ivan maneuvers through the morning traffic and the gate to the White House grounds comes into view.
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