More Breaking News

Dear readers,

I have been mentally composing another satirical piece in which the Trump administration announced it was securing the borders of Minnesota, and nothing would move in or out without permission. I pictured Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem making the announcement in a joint press conference.

This morning, a woman was shot and killed by an ICE agent while in her vehicle on the streets of Minneapolis. So, the piece I’ve been brainstorming will remain just that—a brainstorm. This is no time to poke fun at the situation.

The facts of this tragedy will be revealed over the next couple of news cycles. Currently, all we have is spur-of-the-moment reaction and speculation. Who was this woman? Why was she there? Did she leave behind a grieving family? If so, my heart goes out to them.

And what about the ICE agent? What are the “rules of engagement” in Minneapolis? Could our neighborhoods—yours and mine—be next? Time will tell.

With a heavy heart,

C.W. Spooner

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 CNN Breaking News!

I turned on my TV this morning, and it happened to be tuned to CNN:

 

Anchor: …I’m Wolf Blitzer, with Pamela Brown, and you’re in the Situation Room. Breaking News! Joining us live from Pottery Barn in downtown Manhattan is Mr. I.B. Goodman, vice-president of public relations. Mr. Goodman, thank you for joining us.

Goodman: Thank you for having me, Wolf.

Blitzer: Mr. Goodman, in the wake of the events in Venezuela this past weekend, your company, Pottery Barn, has been prominently mentioned, as in The Pottery Barn Rule, as in “You break it, you own it.” Would you care to comment?

Goodman: Yes, well, first let me say that we had no prior knowledge, absolutely none, of the action taken by the Trump administration, though it is flattering to have our name associated with such a spectacularly successful operation.

Blitzer: Your company name and the iconic slogan?

Goodman: Actually, we can’t take credit for The Rule. The credit goes to Gen. Collin Powell, who, during the lead-up to the Iraq War, told President Bush, “If you break it, you own it.”

Blitzer: I see.

Goodman: Then there was Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, who referred to it as the Pottery Barn Rule. We’ve actually never enforced this rule in our stores. Breakage is just a cost of doing business.

Blitzer: Very interesting. Now that Maduro is gone, would you be interested in opening stores in Venezuela?

Goodman: We are always interested in new markets, Wolf.

Blitzer: Mr. Goodman, what is that interesting display on the table next to you?

Goodman: That? Oh, that is a scale model of a proposed shopping center in downtown Caracas, to be called The Marco Rubio Liberation Mall. It will be state-of-the-art, larger than the Mall of America up in Minnesota. Of course, our store will be one of the prominent anchors.

Blitzer: Very impressive!

Goodman: It will feature the Peter B. Hegseth Food Court and the Pamela J. Bondi Cinema Multiplex. First class all the way!

Blitzer: And what is that very tall building there on the right?

Goodman: That is the proposed Trump Tower – Caracas, a five-star hotel.

Blitzer: I see. And is that a stack of T-shirts next to you there? I didn’t know Pottery Barn carried apparel.

Goodman: Ah, yes, these are some commemorative items. [holds up a T-shirt] Here’s one with a nice likeness of President Trump with the legend, Lo rompí, lo asumo (I broke it, I own it). And here’s another depicting an oil derrick that reads, Tu petróleo es nuestro petróleo (Your oil is our oil).

Blitzer: And you say you had no advanced knowledge of Trump’s law enforcement action?

Goodman: None whatsoever, Wolf.

Blitzer: Mr. I.B. Goodman, vice president of public relations for Pottery Barn. Thank you very, very much…  Don’t go away. We’ll be back after these messages.

 

I changed the channel to the Today show, hoping to catch Al Roker’s weather report.

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