CHAPTER AND VERSE

 

A video conference on a highly secure line has been scheduled between Washington D.C. and Hollywood. Quentin Tarantino waits patiently in his office, glancing at his Rolex. The screen in front of him flickers, and Secretary of War Peter B. Hegseth comes into focus.

“Mr. Tarantino! Good to see you. How are things in California?”

“Just fine, Mr. Secretary. I must admit, I didn’t believe it was you calling until you popped up on my screen. What can I do for you, sir?”

“I’ll cut right to the chase. Perhaps you saw reports of the prayer I offered the other day at the Pentagon prayer service, quoting your interpretation of the Book of Ezekiel.”

“Yes, I did. And thank you for that. Pulp Fiction is now trending around the world, and the movie is number one on all the streaming services. It’s a hot property again, three decades after it was released.”

“And rightly so, Quentin. Do you mind if I call you Quentin? Your take on holy scripture is absolutely brilliant!”

“Uh…I hope you realize that I wasn’t quoting scripture, Pete. Do you mind if I call you Pete? All that stuff about ‘brother’s keeper’ and ‘finder of lost children’ just came off the top of my head. The only biblical quote was the last line, about laying vengeance upon thee, from Ezekiel 25:17.”

“Look at you, Quentin, quoting chapter and verse. I love it! And I want more, more material from scripture that I can use in future prayer services.”

“Let me get this straight, Pete. You want more from the Gospel According to Tarantino?”

“Exactly! There must be lots of good stuff out there that fires up the Warrior Ethos.”

“Well…if I recall from my research, the story of the flood and Noah’s Ark is rich with references to God’s wrath.”

“God’s wrath, that’s what I’m looking for.”

“And there’s the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot’s wife being turned into a pillar of salt.”

“Great! I could cast Nancy Pelosi as Lot’s wife.”

“But the strongest passages are in Deuteronomy 25:19, and especially 1 Samuel 15:3, where God decrees against the Amalekites.”

“Perfect! Just what I’m looking for, Quentin. I can make the Iranians the Amalekites.”

“Your call, Pete. Grab your bible and find those passages—”

“My what?”

“Your bible.”

“Oh. I’ll have my aide look ’em up. Now, do you think you can write some prayer material for me, based on the references you just cited?”

“Sure, I can do that. Things are a little slow right now. We’re between projects.”

“Great! Let’s settle on compensation, then I’ll overnight a contract to you, along with an iron-clad non-disclosure agreement.”

“Why the NDA, Pete?”

“Because we never had this conversation.”

“What conversation?”

The two men share a hearty laugh. It’s time to talk dollars and cents.

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INJURY ATTORNEYS

 

I met my friend Marty for coffee the other day. I knew he’d been in an accident, but I was shocked to see him enter our local Starbucks on crutches with a very large brace on his right knee. Our conversation went like this:

“Ohmygod, Marty! I had no idea it was this bad. How are you doing, buddy?”

“Not so good, Chuck. And now I have to battle the insurance company. The settlement they’re offering isn’t fair. What a hassle!”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to hire one of those injury attorney firms, you know, the ones that tout the really big settlements on TV.”

“Oh, yeah? Which firm are you considering?”

“Well, there’s Morgan & Morgan. I like their ads. They’re not afraid to be funny. They say they are the biggest, and size matters. Wink, wink.”

“Okay, humor is good.”

“But then, there’s Easton & Easton.” Marty’s face brightened. “They say, ‘Let our family help yours.’ I like that.”

“Sure, family is important.”

“And, there’s Larry H. Parker…looks like another family firm, though Larry H. doesn’t look so good in the ads. Know what I mean?”

“Hmmm…good health is important.”

“I also kind of like this guy, Sweet James.” Marty’s enthusiasm spiked. “He’s really quirky, and quirky can be effective in the courtroom. Am I right?”

“I suppose quirky has its place.”

“But who names their baby boy ‘Sweet’? I mean, maybe that’s a little too quirky.”

“Maybe it’s a partnership, you know, ‘Sweet & James’?”

Marty scratched his head. “I also like those two guys, The Law Brothers. I like the idea of two young dudes, hungry to establish themselves, fighting for me.”

“Young dudes could be good.”

“And then there’s Jacoby & Meyers. They’ve been around forever. Maybe the first guys to advertise on TV. Am I right?”

“Longevity is a good sign.”

“Here’s another one—The Barnes Firm. I really like their jingle. ‘The Barnes Firm/Injury attorneys/Call 1-800 eight million.’ Clever, eh? Implies they’ll win eight million for you.”

“So, Marty, what’s it gonna be?”

“I don’t know, Chuck. I just can’t make up my mind.”

“Okay, here’s what we’ll do. I’m writing all the names on slips of paper, we’ll put them in my cap, and you’ll draw the winner… There, everybody is in the cap… I’ll shake it up… okay, now draw.”

“Thanks, Chuck, this is a big help… Okay, here it is. It’s Easton & Easton. But wait a minute! They say when they take your case, you become part of their family. Does this mean I’ll be invited to Thanksgiving dinner? With all their clients, it would have to be in, like, a convention center. That would be a little weird.”

“Just make the call, Marty. We’ll worry about Thanksgiving later.”

And just like that, Marty joined the Easton family. I'll let you know how it turns out.

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