Operations

 

Our friends Carlton “Chip” Smith and Karen Jones (See “Windy City Gambit”) have abandoned their travel coordination venture and joined the Department of Homeland Security as public relations consultants. Their current assignment: create new “operation” names for future DHS enforcement actions. They are waiting nervously in a conference room, expecting border czar Tom Homan to arrive at any moment. The door swings open and Homan and his entourage—six very large men wearing dark suits and red ties, earpieces firmly in place—enter the room.

“Chip, Karen, good to see you again,” Homan says. “Okay, you know your assignment. We need names for future operations, now that we are wrapping things up in Minnesota. ‘Operation Midway Blitz’ worked well in Chicago, and ‘Operation Metro Surge’ was okay for Minneapolis, but the president’s favorite so far was ‘Operation Catch of the Day’ up in Portland, Maine.” Homan chuckles. “He really liked the whimsy, the regional reference, all that. So, let’s hear what you have for me on our list of blue cities. Let’s start with Detroit.”

“Yes, sir,” Karen replies. “How about ‘Operation Motown Beat.’”

Homan writes it down. “Hmm… I like it! A nice, strong verb. We could say beatdown, but beat is more subtle. What about Philadelphia?”

Chip jumps in. “We’re thinking ‘Operation Brotherly Shove.’”

“That’s good. Invokes brotherly love and Eagles football. Now, what if we have to go up north to Boston, bother Bean Town a little? Whataya have for me?”

“We like ‘Operation You’re Scrod,’” Karen says.

“Scrod?” Homan looks puzzled. “Is that past-perfect for—"

“No, sir. It’s a popular seafood dish in Boston.”

“Oh, okay…I like it,” Homan says. “Nice double enten… uh double—”

“Double meaning, sir. That’s what we were shooting for.” Karen smiles.

“Let’s go out west. What about those bastards up in Washington state?” Homan is leaning into the discussion. “Let’s try Seattle.”

“Here’s one with local culture,” Chip says. ‘Operation Tall Grande Venti.’”

Homan pulls on his chin. “Okay…that’s not bad. Do you have an alternative?”

“Well,” Chip says, “there’s ‘Operation Seattle Slew.’”

“What?” Homan is confused. “I don’t get it.”

“Seattle Slew was a beloved racehorse, a Triple Crown winner in 1977.”

“Nah, find something else. The president isn’t a big racing fan. Let’s move down the coast to Portland, Oregon. You know we’ve had operations there, but never a catchy name. What do you have?”

“We have ‘Operation Ducks on the Pond.’ You know, Ducks, for the University of Oregon?” Karen waits anxiously.

“Hmmm… too bland,” Homan says. “Make it ‘Operation Sitting Ducks.’”

The entourage, standing at ease around the room, nods and murmurs approval.

“Moving right along…” Homan is growing impatient. “What do you have for that hell hole, Oakland, down in California?”

Chip hesitates. He’s not sure about this one. “We have ‘Operation No There There.’”

“What the Sam Hill—” Homan looks annoyed.

“Sir, Gertrude Stein once said about Oakland, ‘There is no there there.’”

“Okay, ditch the literary references. You know the president doesn’t read.” Suddenly, Homan’s eyes widen. “I’ve got it! We’ll call it ‘Operation East Bay Tide.’ That could take in Richmond, San Pablo, Berkeley, Emeryville, Oakland, and as far south as you want to go.”

His entourage erupts with words of praise.

“Well played, sir!”

“Outstanding!”

“Brilliant, chief!”

 Homan checks his watch. “I’ve gotta go…another meeting I can’t miss. Chip, Karen, you’ve made a start here but keep at it! The president wants our officers in every blue city before the midterms.”

He rises, his entourage with him. Someone opens the door and they file out. Homan calls over his shoulder as he exits, “Don’t forget Milwaukee, Baltimore, Atlanta, and San Francisco. And we may have to surge Los Angeles again. Peddle to the medal, you two!”

The door slams shut.

Karen glares at Chip. “Operation Seattle Slew? Where did you pull that one from?”

“Hey, I was on the spot, and besides, slew is a good verb.” Chip throws up his hands. “And you’re the one who came up with Operation No There There.”

“Okay, Okay, I’m just sayin’. We can’t afford to lose this gig. Let’s get to it. What do you have for Milwaukee?”

“It’s gonna be a long night,” Chip says. “Let’s get some food and coffee in here. How ’bout something from Cava?”

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