Whiplash and the Cage

 

As the resolution of the Iran war alternates between announcements that a deal is imminent and threats of massive bombardment against Iranian targets, Kristen Welker, the host of “Meet the Press,” sat down with Secretary of State Marco Rubio for a candid interview.

Welker: Thank you for being with us today, Secretary Rubio. There are reports that many cabinet members are suffering from what is being called “bilateral spiral whiplash,” caused by twisting their necks from right to left, again and again, as the president’s position changes.

Rubio: That is not true, Kristen. A perfect example of fake news.

Welker: Uh…sir, why are you wearing that neck brace?

Rubio: A simple accident at home. It has nothing to do with Iran.

Welker: Ooookay. Sir, I understand there are new initiatives underway to bring a close to the conflict.

Rubio: That’s true, Kristen. We decided to put the question to a committee of AI platforms, including ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and Grok. We asked this committee to weigh the administration’s position on a settlement versus that of the Iranian side.

Welker: Very interesting. And what did the committee decide?

Rubio: Unfortunately, there was no consensus. In fact, the exchange between the participating AI’s became so heated that it caused three data centers to melt down.

Welker: Yes, we heard about the data centers, but not the cause. This is breaking news, Secretary Rubio. In view of the AI meltdowns, where do you go from here?

Rubio: We decided to take the humanist approach. We put the question to a panel of three wise men.

Welker: Hmmm…that has biblical overtones. And who are the three wise men?

Rubio: At the president’s direction, we selected Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, and Spike Lee.

Welker: Oh my! That’s quite a group, Mr. Secretary. May I ask why Spike Lee?

Rubio: Well, as you know, both Mr. Lee and the president are avid Knicks fans. It’s a New York thing.

Welker: And what did this august panel recommend?

Rubio: It’s an interesting solution, Kristen. The cage that has been erected on the White House lawn will remain in place after Sunday’s UFC match. At a date to be determined, President Trump and Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei will meet in a winner-take-all match.

Welker: Winner-take-all?

Rubio: Yes. If President Trump wins, the U.S. position will be implemented, point for point.

Welker: And if the Ayatollah wins?

Rubio: Again, point for point on their side, including lifting of sanctions and unfreezing their financial assets.

Welker: You realize the president will be eighty years old.

Rubio: Ha! The president says, "Khamenei can't carry my jockstrap."

Welker: And what about the Strait of Hormuz?

Rubio: No matter who wins, the Strait will be open to international traffic under the management of a consortium headed by Jared Kushner and Mohammed bin Salman. There will be a reasonable toll for passage, of course, with the revenue split equally between the U.S. and Iran.

Welker: Mr. Secretary, what about the critical issue of the highly enriched uranium? What happens to all that weapons-grade material?

Rubio: If the president wins, it will be shipped to the major population centers in California—Los Angeles, San Francisco, and San Diego. It will be Gavin Newsom's—or his successor’s—problem to deal with.

Welker: And if the Ayatollah wins?

Rubio: Yes…well…uh…

Welker: Mr. Secretary?

Rubio: If he wins, the material will be shipped to Mar-a-Lago and stored in the bathroom and other empty spaces where the documents President Trump removed from the White House were kept.

Welker: Three wise men, indeed! Will Spike Lee write the script and direct the movie?

Rubio: Now you’re just being unpleasant, Kristen.

The conversation continued. I switched channels, hoping for some World Cup action. Go U.S.A.! 

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