STATEMENT

The door to a small, private room at Mar-a-Lago opens, and three top aides to President Donald Trump enter. Present are Susie Wiles, Stephen Miller, and Karoline Leavitt. They gather around a small, round table and drop notebooks on the polished oak surface. Wiles opens the meeting.

“Okay, so we just received word that Robert Mueller died.” She scribbles a note on her legal pad. “Our job is to craft a statement for the president, and we’ve got to do it quickly. The more time that passes, the more pressure he's going to be under. What should the president’s statement be?”

Miller scoffs, “Why say anything? Old dude, had Parkinson’s, so he died.”

“Come on, Stephen, we’ve got to have a statement. Dignified, if possible. What do we know about him, other than his time as Special Counsel and the Mueller Report?”

“Let’s see,” Leavitt says, “he served four years in the Marine Corps, beginning in 1968, including service in Vietnam, where he earned the Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. He graduated from NYU, graduated from University of Virginia Law, served as a prosecutor, including a case against John Gotti. Served as FBI Director for twelve years, beginning in 2001 and through the September 11 attacks, and he’s credited with establishing the FBI as an effective counter-terrorist organization. In 2017, he was appointed Special Counsel to investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election.”

“Special Counsel…Russia, Russia, Russia,” Miller says. “That’s all we need to know.”

“How about this,” Leavitt offers, “He spent his entire adult life in service to his country. Our condolences to his family.”

“Or,” Wiles begins, “From his decorated service in the Marine Corps, to his twelve-year tenure as Director of the FBI, Mueller served his country with honor.”

Miller scowls. “POTUS won’t like that.”

“Okay, Stephen, what would you say?” Wiles is a little exasperated.

“How ’bout this: He served in the Marines, he was a lawyer, and he was FBI Director. RIP.”

“That’s a little terse, don’t you think?” Leavitt is clearly uncomfortable.

“What if we combine Karoline’s and mine?” Wiles says. “How about, ‘From his decorated service in the Marine Corps, to his dedication to the rule of law, to his transformative service as FBI Director, Robert Mueller spent his entire adult life in service to his country. Our sincere condolences to his family.’”

There is a knock on the door and Wiles goes to open it. An aide, standing in the hall, hands her a note. She returns to the table.

“The president has already released a statement…on Truth Social.” She pauses and looks at her colleagues. “It says, 

Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people!

Silence fills the room for several seconds. Miller breaks it.

“Okay, so that’s that. I’m going back to my room, maybe take a nap.”

“Me too,” Wiles adds.

“Wait a minute!” Leavitt shouts. “What about me? I’m going to have to face the press corps. What am I gonna say about this…this…this statement?”

“You’ll figure it out, kid,” Wiles says. “Do what you usually do. Blame it on James Comey and Joe Biden.”

Wiles and Miller leave the room while Leavitt searches for a waste basket to vomit in.

_____