BANNED

“She's a young, attractive woman. She never smiles. I said, ‘Kaitlan, do you ever smile? Smile. You have a nice position, you're at CNN fake news. You should be a happy person. So smile, Kaitlan. Just smile.’”

—President Donald J. Trump, regarding CNN reporter Kaitlan Collins

The U.S. District Judge for the United States District of Columbia has convened a hearing in his courtroom to discuss the Department of Justice’s (DOJ) filing in the matter of CNN, MSNOW, and Politico being banned from the White House. Normally such a hearing would be held in his chambers, but with the lawyers from all parties attending, it had to be moved to the courtroom. Even at that, it is standing room only.

 Editor’s note: Names have been omitted to avoid embarrassment.

JUDGE: All right, let’s get started. Who is speaking for DOJ? Please raise your hand.

DOJ: Here, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Thank you. Now, I see you are supporting your position for banning these news organizations based not on a First Amendment argument, but rather on the grounds of national security.

DOJ: That’s right, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Please enlighten me—how is this ban involved with national security?

DOJ: Well, Your Honor, it all started with Kaitlan Collins at CNN.

JUDGE: Really? How so?

DOJ: She won’t smile, Your Honor. Absolutely refuses to smile.

JUDGE: And this relates to national security how?

DOJ: It upsets the president, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Uh…continue, please.

DOJ: Sir, when the president is upset, he’s bound to take it out on someone or something. In this case, it is Iran. When Kaitlan refuses to smile, the Iranians are going to get hit hard.

JUDGE: I see. Counsel for CNN, what do you have to say on this matter?

CNN: Your Honor, this is ridiculous. How can they hold Kaitlan Collins responsible for the war with Iran?

DOJ: Your Honor, our brief contains an addendum that includes a half dozen examples where Collins’s unsmiling demeanor during press briefings is followed by major air strikes against Iranian targets. The correlation is crystal clear.

JUDGE: Hmmm…that’s a very impressive list, counselor. But that’s all tied to CNN’s reporter. How do you lump MSNOW and Politico into this?

DOJ: Their reporters all take their lead from Kaitlan, Your Honor. Nobody smiles!

MSNOW: That’s absurd, Your Honor!

POLITICO: Totally false! Our reporters are quite pleasant.

JUDGE: CNN, can’t you get Collins to smile from time to time? It seems we have a golden opportunity here—get President Trump to lift the ban and end the hostilities in Iran. Isn’t that something to smile about?

CNN: Your Honor, you’re suggesting we compel Kaitlan to smile. That would be compelling speech! A clear violation of the First Amendment if ever there was one.

MSNOW: Our guys will smile, Your Honor. Just say where and when.

CNN: Ah, geez…

JUDGE: Now we’re getting somewhere. Can we stipulate that reporters from all three networks will smile?

CNN: While we’ve been discussing, my associate has pulled up an array of photos showing Kaitlan smiling, literally grinning ear-to-ear. What if we provided this array to Natalie Harp so that she could print the photos and show them to the president?

DOJ: Unacceptable, Your Honor. It lacks the personal touch. Nothing like a warm smile—in person—to brighten the Oval Office.

JUDGE: Okay, okay, enough! I have your briefs and I’ve heard your arguments. You’ll have my ruling in a day or so. In the meantime, CNN…

CNN: Yes, Your Honor?

JUDGE: You might tell Kaitlan Collins to lighten up a little bit.

 

The judge retires to his chambers as the attorneys gather their papers and decide where to make reservations for dinner.

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