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 THE TICKET

 

 Ken Martin, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, has convened a focus group to brainstorm ideas for the 2028 presidential campaign. That’s right: 2028. It is not that far off. The group consists of four women and four men, drawn from various walks of life in America. The following is a transcript of their discussion. The transcript has been edited for brevity and political incorrectness.

 

KEN: As chairman of the DNC, it is my pleasure to welcome you here today, and to thank you for participating in this focus group. As previously explained, we are seeking ideas for candidates to run for president under the banner of the Democratic Party. Since no one in the party has stepped forward and declared his or her candidacy, the field is wide open. So…who would like to open the discussion?

 

MARY: [raises her hand] As a recent college graduate seeking my first job, I think the party should get behind Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She’s just what we need. Let’s tear down the corrupt system and rebuild from the ashes. And her running mate should be Zohran Mamdani.

 

KEN: But…isn’t that a “social democrat” ticket? I don’t think we can run on the SDUSA platform and hope to win.

 

TED: [software engineer, 57, currently out of work due to AI] You got that right. The “tech bros” would never donate to an AOC/Mamdani ticket. No way in hell!

 

ALICE: [divorced, 53, three adult children, product manager] Ted is right, and besides, I’m sick and tired of all the divisiveness and infighting. My ideal presidential candidate is Jonathan Lawson, the Colonial Penn Insurance guy. He seems like the nicest guy in the world. He would make a great president!

 

BETTY: [widowed, 70, living on Social Security] Alice is right. I could get behind a Jonathan Lawson ticket. And I’ll tell you who would make a great running mate: Jennifer Garner. She’s such a sweet girl, and she’s always concerned about what’s in my wallet.

 

BOB: [college grad, 28, lives in his parents’ basement] How ’bout this: The U.S.A. is obsessed with sports, and we love our sports commentators. Let’s nominate Stephen A. Smith for president, and Mina Kimes as his running mate. We’d pull in all the sports fans.  

 

BILL: [successful plumbing contractor, 45, runs his own business] Let’s get serious here! Let’s talk about a ticket that really makes sense: Tom Hanks and Oprah Winfrey. Now tell me that isn’t a killer combo. I can picture the campaign banner: Crying? There’s no crying in politics!

 

JANE: [married, 41, two pre-teen kids, business owner/operator] Okay, I like both of them, but why does it have to be Hanks/Winfrey? Why not Winfrey/Hanks? And how about, Politics is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

 

KEN: What’s with all the show biz/media types? How did we get stuck in that lane?

 

TED: Are you kidding me? Hello! Remember Ronald Reagan? Remember Donald J. Trump? What walk of life did they come from?

 

CHUCK: [retired project manager, 83] Since we're talking about media types, I would propose a ticket of Stephanie Ruhle and Van Jones. I remember, way back in 2015, when commentators were laughing off Trump’s candidacy, Van Jones said, “Don’t take this man lightly. Never underestimate the value of celebrity.”

 

KEN: Okay, so that’s Van Jones. Why Stephanie Ruhle?

 

CHUCK: I’d rather not say. It’s personal.

 

KEN: Come on, Chuck. This is an open forum. All opinions are welcome.

 

CHUCK: Well…okay. She’s smart as a whip…and I find her irresistible…with that little tilted smile…pretty shoulders…the way she crosses her legs…though they are usually hidden under the table. To paraphrase Van Jones, never underestimate the value of sexy.

 

KEN: Uh…thank you for that, Chuck…I think. Okay, we’ve been at this for a while. Let’s take a break and have some refreshments. We’ll reconvene in about fifteen minutes. [The group adjourns and heads for the coffee and donuts. Ken speaks to his chief of staff…] Focus group?! Who in the hell came up with this idea?

 

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