Windy City Gambit 2.0

 

Carlton “Chip” Smith leans back in his chair, enjoying a Cubs game on the flat screen TV in his spacious office. There is a knock on the door and his partner, Karen Jones, enters.

“Chip, we need to talk. I just spoke to Jamal Hemmings in the mayor's office. We may have a problem with our plans for ‘Summer with the Guard’ here in Chicago.”

Chip mutes the TV and gives Karen his full attention. “Really? What’s the issue? Mayor Johnson bought into the idea of welcoming the National Guard, treating them like honored guests. I thought everything was going according to plan.”

“You may have seen the reports … the Guard is now carrying weapons—sidearms and long guns—on the streets of Washington D.C. This is making the mayor very nervous. Many Chicagoans who planned to host guardsmen in their homes are getting cold feet. They don’t want loaded weapons in their homes.”

Chip rubs his temples, deep in thought. “Hmmm … I’ll bet that darn Stephen Miller is behind the decision to have the Guard carry weapons. We need to do something, anything to change the narrative.”

“You got that right,” Karen agrees. “Got any Ideas?”

“Yeah, I think I do. We need to put our chatbots to work and flood the social media zone. Let's get our tech bros in here right away.”

“They are right down the hall. I’ll go get ’em.” Karen hurries out the door.

 [The scene shifts to the press room in the White House, one day later, where Karoline Leavitt is conducting the daily briefing.]

Leavitt: Okay, we have time for a few more questions. Oh boy, here it comes. Up front here, Jonathan Karl, ABC.

Karl: Karoline, there is a report that the troops in D.C. are carrying weapons, but they are not allowed to carry ammunition. It’s called the ‘Barney Fife Rule.’ Would you care to comment?

Leavitt [turning to an aide]: Who the hell is Barney Fife? [The aide whispers in her ear; she turns back to the microphone.] That is absolutely false. Of course, they are allowed to carry ammunition.

Karl: According to the Fife Rule, they can only carry a single bullet in their shirt pockets, in case of emergency. We see photos online of guardsmen smiling for the cameras, holding up one bullet.

Leavitt: That is pure fake news. Just wait until we have to shoot somebody, you’ll see. … Okay, next question. Kaitlan Collins, CNN. Oy, here comes another doozy.

Collins: There is a report, backed by side-by-side photos, that Stephen Miller is Vladimir Putin's secret love child. Is the administration aware of this, and what is your reaction?

Leavitt: That is outrageous!

Collins: It would certainly explain recent policy decisions. Withdrawing support for Ukraine. The red-carpet treatment up in Alaska. And how do you account for the striking resemblance?

Leavitt: It's a scurrilous lie, and I will not dignify it with further comment!

Collins: [focused on her notes] Karoline, how do you spell ‘scurrilous’?

Leavitt: Umm…s q u i r…no, wait…s c u r… Hey, you’re a graduate of the University of Alabama, figure it out for yourself! … Time for one more question ... Peter Doocy, Fox News. Finally, one of our own.

Doocy: Thank you, Karoline. It has been reported that if Kilmar Abrego Garcia is sent to Costa Rica, he plans to open a bistro, bankrolled by George Soros, to be called ‘Kilmar’s Beach Bar.’ Any truth to that?

Leavitt: Ha! If Abrego Garcia opens a beach bar, it’s going to be in Uganda! You can take that to the bank. … Okay, that’s all for today. Same time tomorrow, knuckleheads. And let me warn you, do not—I repeat, do not—shout questions at me as I leave the podium.

[Leavitt turns and walks away. Chaos erupts, the press corps shouting…]

"Karoline, what is the correct pronunciation of ‘Ghislaine’?" … "Is Jeffrey Epstein alive and living in Saint Petersburg?" … "Will Maria Bartiromo replace Lisa Cook?" ... "Is DOJ investigating South Park?" ...

[The door to the press room closes behind Leavitt and her team as the reporters scurry away to meet their deadlines. Meanwhile, back in Chicago, Karen and Chip high-five and do the Dance of Joy. Analytics show that #BarneyFife and #MillerPutin have gone viral and are trending around the world.]

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