Friday, November 15, 2024

 

The Gaetz Maneuver

 

Three old friends (and I do mean old) were watching cable news, enjoying a tall cold one. A reporter introduced a film clip from the archives in which a Republican member of the House spoke on air about his colleague Matt Gaetz. He said Gaetz flashed photos of his young girlfriends and bragged to his colleagues about crushing ED medication to a powder, then washing it down with an energy drink, so that he could “go all night.” This report caught the attention of our three pals.

 

Chad: Did you hear that? Wow! What do you think of Matt Gaetz?


Mick: You mean as Attorney General? I don’t know—


Chad: No, I mean what do you think of the Gaetz Maneuver? Crushing the Viagra, taking it with an energy drink?


Mick: I don’t know, seems kind of risky to me.


Chad: Damn, I’m gonna try it!


Mick: Dude…you’re 85 years old. Think of your heart!


Chad: Hey, Bill, you’ve been awfully quiet. What do you think?


Bill: About the Gaetz Maneuver?  I already gave it a try.


Chad: Oh man, I gotta hear this. What happened?


Bill: Well…there’s bad news.


Mick: Yeah, go on…


Bill: While I was waiting for it to kick in, I dozed off.


Chad: Ah, bummer.


Bill: But there’s good news…I woke up a few minutes later and it was working.


Mick: Oh my God!


Bill: But there’s more bad news…by that time, my wife was sound asleep.


Chad: Ah, shoot. So, what are you gonna do?


Bill: We’re gonna try again, after a good night’s sleep, first thing in the morning, right after we brush our teeth and put our partial plates in.


Mick: Good luck, buddy. Keep us posted…no pun intended.


Bill: Roger that. You guys wanna watch Hannity or Anderson Cooper?


Chad: How ’bout another beer?


Mick: The Gaetz Maneuver…gives a whole new meaning to Make America Great Again.



And so it goes, in family rooms across America.


_____


 

 

Sunday, November 10, 2024

 Perfect Storm, Silver Lining

 

What an adventure! Let’s take the silver lining first. My book, The Short Stories of C.W. Spooner, is now “Live” at Amazon.com in all three formats: Kindle, paperback, and hardbound. It wasn’t easy. I had to weather the perfect storm.

First, through my own stupid mistakes, I botched the release date of the paperback and hardbound editions. They should have gone live October 31. I managed to delay the release until November 5. Or maybe it was the 6th. (sigh) I was finally able to speak with a person at Kindle Direct Publishing (thanks to a major assist from my colleague Billie Kelpin) and get my mistakes corrected.

Then my laptop was attacked by ransomware. I wound up taking it to the Geek Squad where it stayed for five days. When I was able to pick it up, the geeks advised me the battery was failing and needed to be replaced. It was expanding, trying to explode, forcing the case to open. Oy vey! The Geeks removed it and told me where to order a replacement, which is now in hand. All I have to do is make an appointment to have it installed and “calibrated.” (No, I will not attempt to install it myself. I know better.)

I was able to use my laptop, sans battery, via the power cord, and discovered I was locked out of Facebook. So, if you’ve missed my pithy comments on FB and are wondering whatever happened good ol’ Spooner, now you know. I’m still trying to find a way back in. Stay tuned.

And there you have it. The book is out there for your reading pleasure. I bought a copy of the Kindle edition (I think I was first!) and it looks pretty good. I invite you to enjoy it in the format you prefer—and leave a review on Amazon.com, if you are so inclined. You don’t have to read all 540 pages. The beauty of a story collection is that you can browse the Table of Contents and pick a title that strikes your fancy. They all stand alone.

As the saying goes, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. I wish you happy reading, and thanks for your patience.

_____


 

Monday, October 28, 2024

 

Island of Garbage

 

I must admit I was shocked. I’ve been off the grid for a couple of days, not paying attention to Fox News, or my favorite podcasts. I hopped back online to discover we are mad at Puerto Rico. I had no idea!

I tuned in to the coverage of Donald Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally, and his warm-up act, What’s-his-name the comedian, is slamming Puerto Ricans for making babies, and saying Puerto Rico is “…an island of garbage.” I had no idea we were going full-on snarky with the PR’s.

Sorry about that, J.Lo. Sorry, Rita Moreno.

I’m hoping Sean Hannity or Tucker Carlson will jump in to explain it to us, just as Tucker did recently when he told us, Dad is home and he’s pissed and you are going to get a spanking because you’ve been a naughty girl and it’s going to hurt you more that it hurts me… I think there was more, but like I said, I’ve been off the grid.

Until Sean or Tucker ’splains it to us, I have two theories. First, the comedian, What’s-his-name, has been watching too many reruns of West Side Story, the sequence where the Sharks sing and dance to “America.”

Always the hurricane blowing

Always the pop-u-la-tion growing…

Theory two is that the Puerto Ricans were not sufficiently appreciative of President Trump’s visit to the island after it was devastated by Hurricane Maria. I remember the poignant pictures of him tossing rolls of paper towels to the folks suffering from the effects of the storm. Perhaps they made smart remarks. Maybe they did not express their gratitude through the media.

Until Sean or Tucker explains the real meaning of What’s-his-name’s remarks, I know one thing for sure: the next time a storm hits Puerto Rico, they’re not getting any paper towels.

_____


 

 

 

Wednesday, October 23, 2024

 

October Surprise

 

Our presidential elections have been famous for the so-called October surprise. Just look at 2016, an election cycle that had several. First, there was the Access Hollywood tape, and on the same day, Wikileaks’ publication of hacked Democratic Party email communications. Finally, James Comey announced the reopening of the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s missing emails.

 That’s a lot of surprises for one October. Now I fear we are on the verge of another. Last weekend, for reasons known only to the candidate himself, Donald Trump chose to make comments about the physical endowment of Hall-of-Fame golfer Arnold Palmer. That’s surprising in itself, but I think the real danger lies in how the media follows up on Mr. Trump’s comments.

 It’s only a matter of time before some cynical reporter prods the former president by asking how he compares to Mr. Palmer. The nightmare scenario is that Mr. Trump will reenact the closing scene from the movie Boogie Nights. Remember Mark Wahlberg’s dialog, “I am a star, a big, bright, shining star,” as he displayed the proof?

 I hope the broadcast and cable networks deploy a five-second delay on their live coverage in order to protect the viewing public. I shudder to think of Mr. Trump’s reprise of Mr. Wahlberg’s performance. It is an October surprise we can do without.

_____


Saturday, October 19, 2024

 

Election Season

 

I will miss election season when it is over. It has been exciting to receive the daily barrage of email and text messages, especially the ones from some of my favorite celebrities. Every day I can count on messages from Martin Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and Jon Stewart. I feel like we are on a first-name basis. I’ve started to send replies but so far have received very terse responses, which I could sum up as, Do NOT reply to this message. Hit the DONATE button, dumbass!

 I’m sure those responses are AI-generated and not written by Marty, Babs, and Jon-boy. I’m sure because I continue to receive warm and friendly messages from the three of them, though it is surprising they never thank me for my contributions.

 We don’t always get the presidential candidates that we’d prefer. I’m sure you agree. If I had my choice, it would be Jonathon Lawson, the guy from Colonial Penn Insurance. Jonathon Lawson strikes me as the nicest guy in the world. I think he would be a great president. He could charm the sox off all the world leaders, including the nasty ones. I can picture his campaign theme. It would go like this:

 

Lawson: In choosing a president, just remember the Three P’s.

Gray-haired lady: What are the Three P’s?

Lawson: A President you can afford. A President that will not change. And a President that fits your budget.

Gray-haired lady: I just turned 80. What can I afford?

Lawson: Just send $9.95.

Gray-haired gentleman: I’m 65 and take medication. How about me?

Lawson: $9.95 for you too.

 

If this were a town hall, I’d ask Jonathon what’s the difference between a president we can afford and one that fits our budget. I’m sure he’d have a good answer. It’s too late for Jonathon Lawson to jump into the 2024 race, but how about 2028? I’m keeping my fingers crossed and I have my check for $9.95 ready.

 Oh wait, I have to run. I just received a text from Streisand. Gotta reply…

 Babs! Hi, girlfriend! Whaazzuup?

_____


 

 

Wednesday, October 16, 2024

 

A Farewell to Arms

An appreciation…

 

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

 I’ve often read that quote from Hemingway used in the context of encouraging words, as in, “Buck up, Sparky, if it didn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger.” It makes for a good one-liner, but it is totally out of the context Hemingway intended. The line appears in Chapter 34 as Fredrick Henry lies awake in the night next to Catherine Barkley, amazed at what has happened between them. Here is a more complete recounting of his thoughts:

 

…But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time. If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

I read A Farewell to Arms when I was in my 20s, and I blew right past that passage, anxious to get on with the action. I picked up the book recently and was stopped cold when I read Chapter 34. Hemingway doesn’t often “tell” you what his protagonist is feeling, which makes this passage rare. And it is a profound foreshadowing of how the book ends. I’ve read that the author struggled with the ending, writing more than thirty versions before he was satisfied. But the four sentences highlighted above could very well have served as the end of the novel.

Hemingway was a great discovery for me as a young man, beginning with his short stories, then extending to The Sun Also Rises, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and The Old Man and the Sea. I always thought A Farewell to Arms ranked at the bottom of that list. I was wrong. I’m glad I found it again at the ripe old age of 82.

_____


 

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

 

Charlie Hustle

 

Peter Edward Rose died Monday, September 30, 2024. He was eighty-three years old. I had a complex relationship with Pete Rose, though I never met the man. Let me explain.

           My introduction to baseball began with my dad. Family legend holds that he began playing catch with me in the backyard when I was three. Not long after that, I began organizing backyard games with my pals in the neighborhood. Baseball became an obsession for me, from sandlot ball to Little League, Peanut League, High School, American Legion, all the way through my first year in Junior College.

Somewhere along the way, it was etched on my baseball soul that you had to hustle. That meant running out every ground ball or pop-up, running to your position at the start of an inning, running back to the dugout after the third out, and giving one hundred percent effort on every play. In my mind, hustle was a rule, every bit as important as three-strikes-you’re-out.

When my sons, Matt and Gabe, reached Little League age in 1987 and 1988 respectively, I began a coaching “career” that spanned ten seasons. I had a program with four major goals: have fun; teach fundamentals; teach teamwork and sportsmanship; teach the value of hustle. I knew if we did those things well, winning and losing didn’t matter much. And that’s where Pete Rose came into my life. I used him as a prime example of the way the game should be played. He was “Charlie Hustle,” always giving one hundred percent effort.

And what was the value of hustle? I stressed two things with my players. First, hustle makes good things happen in a ballgame. Second, coaches absolutely love hustle. Show that you are a hustling ballplayer, and there will always be a place for you on a team.

In August1989, Pete Rose was declared “permanently ineligible” by Commissioner Bart Giamatti for betting on baseball. Several players, including my sons, came to me and said, “So, what do you think of Pete Rose now, Coach?” There was no defense. I had to find a new example, a new hero to sell the value of hustle.

The baseball pundits are likely to hold lively debates over Pete Rose’s legacy. How is it that the man who holds so many all-time records, including the most hits with 4,256, is not in the Hall of Fame? Can we separate the near-perfect ballplayer from the imperfect man? What about all those guys in the Hall who we know were not choir boys? (Hello, Ty Cobb. Raise your hand, Babe Ruth.) And if we forgive Pete and let him in, what about the steroid users like Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, and Roger Clemens?

Americans are quick to forgive and offer a second chance if someone comes clean, confesses his or her misdeeds, and offers a sincere apology. Maybe if Pete had done that way back in 1989, we would have put it all in the rearview mirror. Let bygones be bygones. After all, he racked up all those records before he started betting on baseball. Didn’t he?

Pete couldn’t do that. He kept up the lie. He said, It ain’t so! And when each new scandal broke (cocaine, steroids, sign stealing), he said, See, I never done none of that. He finally confessed in 2004. Everything the Dowd Report alleged was true. And that was the tip of the iceberg. His personal life was even more of a mess: tax evasion, paternity suit, statutory rape. He was a deeply flawed human being.

But, man, wasn’t he fun to watch? Ripping line drives from both sides of the plate, flying headfirst into bases, playing infield and outfield positions with equal effectiveness, the heart of The Big Red Machine, three times a World Series champ. And always, day in and day out, the relentless hustle, hustle, hustle.

Pete Rose is dead, RIP. Long live Charlie Hustle.

_____