Tuesday, June 14, 2022

 

In defense of assault weapons…

 

In response to a proposed ban on military-style assault weapons, two members of congress recently spoke out against such a ban:

Rep. Ken Buck (R – Colorado) said the AR-15 is the weapon of choice to kill raccoons and foxes.

Sen. John Thune (R – So. Dakota) said assault weapons are needed to kill prairie dogs.

In a recent press conference, Sen. Thune was questioned by a reporter who recalled hunting ground squirrels as a boy with a .22 caliber bolt-action rifle, and wouldn’t that be sufficient firepower for a prairie dog? Sen. Thune responded by introducing a constituent, Mr. Josiah Fenstermacher, to tell of a harrowing experience.

“I was out huntin’ prairie dogs," Mr. Fenstermacher began, “and I’d taken up a defensive position about twenty yards from a mound. A critter popped its head up and I fired off a short burst. Suddenly, a whole passel of prairie dogs—a ‘ward’, a ‘town’, whatever you call ’em—came charging my position. There must have been a hundred of ’em. All I could see was teeth and claws heading my way, and a high-pitched barking that like to bust my eardrums. I tell ya, it was terrifying! Luckily, I had my AR-15 and a couple of high-capacity magazines. I was able to defeat the attack and defend my position. If I’d been out there with a .22 caliber peashooter, gettin’ off one shot at a time, I wouldn’t be here to tell the story, and that’s a fact!”

Several members of the press corps seemed skeptical, until one gray-haired veteran reminded them that prairie dogs are members of the squirrel family. Former president Jimmy Carter once reported being attacked by a crazed squirrel. His point: war-like squirrels are bipartisan. “It’s not a Republican issue or a Democratic issue, it’s a varmint issue.”

A local reporter who had examined the scene of Fenstermacher’s battle asked if he was sure they were prairie dogs. Only bits and pieces of the animals had been found, given the firepower of the AR-15.

“I know a prairie dog when I see one,” Fenstermacher replied. “Ya seen one, ya seen ’em all.”

The reporters thanked Sen. Thune and Mr. Fenstermacher and decided they would reach out to Rep. Buck to see if his constituents had similar experiences with raccoons and foxes.

“I don’t know about foxes,” said the veteran reporter, “but raccoons can get downright nasty.”

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8 comments:

  1. Excellent point thank you. I used to shoot those critters with a .22 on my uncle's farm in North Dakota - a truly dangerous endeavor. I mean, you're just laying out there in a field, totally exposed when you do that. Say, do they give out any awards or anything for that?!

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    1. You're a brave man, Tom, out there practically naked. You deserve a furry heart for bravery against prairie dogs.

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  2. Typical Republican thinking. AR-15’s aren’t necessary. In a situation like that, a horde of prairie dogs can easily be taken out with one or two hand grenades.

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    1. I was thinking a rocket propelled grenade, but a hand grenade would do it, depending on arm strength, of course.

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  3. Or how about just throw a nuclear bomb on the hole? That should do the trick. If this piece weren't so funny, it would be downright depressing.

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    1. No need for nukes, Billie. A simple bunker buster would suffice.

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  4. Hum...some harrowing experience for Mr. Fenstermacher! Apparently, the neighborhood HOA of prairie dogs came out to remind Mr. F that this is their land too. The prairie dogs and their cousins share the same land with humans. Can't they all get along.

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    1. You may be right about an HOA. Wikipedia tells me they organize into towns, wards, and families, so an HOA isn't out of the question.

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